“I don’t believe any of this s$%#”

How a side of Christianity I didn’t know existed saved me

ELMHURST, Ill. — Eight or nine years ago I was in Mass with my father, and it came time to recite the Nicene Creed (maybe it was the Apostles Creed). As we did the recitation a thought struck me: “I don’t believe any of this s&%#.”

The ancient Nicene Creed outlined the beliefs of the church. It didn’t matter what part of the creed we recited, the Virgin Birth, Jesus coming down from heaven, and then later ascending into heaven. The Resurrection from the dead. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t buying any of it. God and Christianity were dead to me, and that made me profoundly sad.

Growing up, I was told what to believe and how to believe it. A lot of it didn’t make sense to me as a kid. I was afraid to ask any questions or to bring these inquiries up because I didn’t want to get in trouble. So, I let it go.

I knew the ins and outs of the Roman Catholic Church, and I’d seen the TV church preachers that came on TV on Sunday morning back in the 1970s and 1980s, like Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart, and their ilk. I didn’t want what they had. I knew there were other Christian denominations out there, like Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian (I went to preschool at First Presbyterian Church after all) but I didn’t know what they were about. I didn’t know anything about them. (I’ve also discovered in recent years that there are wide swaths of the public who don’t know this type of Christianity exists. Everyone seems to think that the only types of Christians are Catholics and fundamentalist Protestants. Not so!)

In my late forties I had a midlife crisis and sought the help of therapy, career counseling, psychiatry, medicine, and Transcendental Meditation, in a quest to find out what to do with the rest of my life. One suggestion my therapist gave me was going back to church, “Maybe you’ll meet a nice woman there,” she said.

After six months, I followed through. I tried a number of different churches, and I started going to Fourth Presbyterian Church. The people there were nice, the message I heard on Sundays was engaging, and the church was beautiful. I met with a couple of the ministers there and told them of my doubts about church, Jesus, and God, and they encouraged me to keep searching. One of them suggested I read Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time by Marcus Borg. I was blown away. Other books I read blew me away too, and in these books I found kindred spirits. I found folks who had the same misgivings and doubts I had. And I didn’t feel alone anymore. I thought the only theology was Catholic or fundamentalist evangelical. I didn’t know there was another way. I had a place to bring my doubts and questions, and wrestle with them with other folks who were in the same boat.

I realize the so-called “Mainline” church and more “liberal” denominations are struggling mightily with declining attendance. We’ve done a lousy job of promoting ourselves in recent years and tens of millions of people out there think the only Christianity that exists is conservative and fundamentalist that captures much of the media attention. There is another way. I found it and it saved me and gave my life meaning again after a period in the wilderness of despair. The “Mainline” church gave me my life back and gave me new meaning.

By starting to tell bits of my story I hope someone else will identify with me, and say, “hey, I thought that too.” Or “I had those same questions” and maybe they won’t feel alone. And maybe they’ll find a faith home in progressive Christianity. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.